Patty and Bun - James Street

54 James St, London, W1U 1EU

Many people wrongly believe that burgers are eaten by slovenly Meat Loaf look-a-likes, who delight in nothing more than pushing 6 ounces of beef and bread through their teeth while trying not to choke on their own saliva. Nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, it's those healthier-than-thou types - lacking as they do any experience in proper burger consumption - who dribble meat juice down their slim chin and minute wrists, pausing to mop the table, floor, and their laps with ream-after-ream of paper napkins. The well-practiced among us are deft at handling a burger, skilled in the art of dribbling only on the plate, elbows apart - knees as well, if no table - with only one napkin soiled. 

Patty and Bun - located just off Oxford Street, near Bond Street station - serve a burger which requires a high level of control. Not only is the plate absent, increasing the risk of post-spill run-off, but the moisture of the meat combined with several other wet ingredients creates a 'perfect storm' for the amateur. Elbows here should be set at 4 and 8. Don't mistake this for criticism, however. The ingredients bound inside a Patty and Bun 'ARI GOLD' Cheeseburger are a near perfect taste-sensation, featuring amongst other things traditional sweet-sweet plastic cheese, pickled onions, and smokey mayo. The burger does require two hands to manoeuvre effectively; unfortunately, this means that a handful of rosemary salt covered chips between each bite has to be foregone, leaving them all for the end and my belt another hole down.

With burgers this good, it's hard to see why Patty and Bun only has the one venue - albeit slap-bang in the centre of London. I'd wager that we'll see them expand soon though, jostling for position in a sea of Byron's and Honest Burgers - and I'd wager that they'll float fairly well.

Big B @ Byron - Cambridge

12 Bridge Street, Cambridge, CB2 1UF

Like reviewing a dodo steak, here's one that you're not going to get to eat any time soon. The Big B was another limited edition burger from the ever-expanding chain Byron which had me salivating at the mouth, but yet again unable to find time to eat.

I did the same with Byron's lamb burger last year, squeezing one in on its last day. And although this time I vowed not to be so tardy, two days before the burger disappeared forever I found myself driving to Cambridge for the sole purpose of trying a Big B. Luckily, objective accomplished.

Burgers have come a long way since Haché won TimeOut's 'best burger restaurant' back in 2005. This year, I've eaten many which are considered the best, but haven't even dented the iceberg of choice on offer. Of those which I've eaten, Byron makes my top 10, while Haché doesn't make the list at all. (Before I'm dismissed by Byron fans out there, come on - top 10 is still damn good in an extremely competitive field).

The Everton of the burger world - hovering around Europe, with stable performances, not really threatening the top four - Byron guarantees good service, offers reasonably sized and reasonably priced burgers, damn tasty courgette fries, and some mighty fine beer from BrewDog, Camden Town, and The Kernel. While the foreign upstarts of Five Guys and Shake Shack might be stealing the headlines, the savvy diner will avoid the hour long wait for this year's most over-hyped meal and find a Byron instead.

As a late-comer to the Big B, I knew what to expect. This isn't big in weight of meat - packing the same meat as the standard burger - but big in filling, with mounds of gooey red Leicester, large pickles, and a dollop of burger sauce. Apparently, this was all sandwiched in a special potato bread bun - I didn't notice the difference.

After being sawn in half and squashed under my fat palm, the burger was manageable by hand and the taste was delicious indeed. The cheese seemed sweeter than cheddar, offsetting the sharp pickles, and carrying a nutty flavour throughout the burger. 

I'm not sure the Big B was completely worth the drive to Cambridge or, given that it's no longer available, this review; however, a trip to Byron is always welcome and the Big B demonstrates that they can keep interest in a world becoming increasingly saturated with burgers.

LS6 - Headingley, Leeds

16A Headingley Lane, Leeds, LS6 2AS

Failing to conform to gender stereotypes when ordering food often gets more than just a raised eyebrow. It would seem that it's just not socially-acceptable for a man to order a goat's cheese tart at the pub if a burger is also on the menu. For society, a man's choice of food is a statement of his masculinity - the modern day equivalent of beating your chest, baring your fangs, flinging excrement at your challenger, before gauging his eyes out, cracking his skull open and feasting on the sweet goo inside.

Well, call me a sissy, but I'm as happy ordering a cranberry juice and veggie burger at Byron as I am ordering the Boss Hog at Bodean's.

And so it was at LS6 - a boho cafe in the centre of the student village of Headingley in Leeds - that my eyes skipped past the burger option to the Clock Cafe salad. Named after the clocks adorning the wall (they're simple folks in the north), the salad was beetroot, pear, walnut, and goat's cheese. A really delicious salad, served in pleasantly 'cool' surroundings, probably helped by the time of year - the only evidence of the unwashed student population being two identical blondes sharing tales of past 'gap yahs'. Strangely, tap water at LS6 comes with a slice of cucumber floating in it, leaving a musty taste not dissimilar to the smell of a rotten cabbage. Weird.

Of course, as I was eating a salad I needed a side of hummus and pitta to keep my calorie levels up...and a pint of some local ale to maintain my masculinity. Now, where's that recipe for pea soup...

The Highbury Barn - Highbury, London

When it comes to food, the litmus test for a pub has to the burger. In Oxford, we have some great options, supported outside of the pub by a branch of Byron and Atomic Burger. In London, of course, the options are greater. However, in both places I've eaten some pigs. Hideous burgers with grey mattress-stuffing like meat, cold anemic slices of tomato, and raw onion that clings to your breath for the next 72 hours. At the opposite extreme, the best quality meat can often be found overwhelmed by mozzarella, olives, chorizo, game, various pickles, relishes, and a sprinkling of gold dust.

It's a good job then that the match-day burger at The Highbury Barn is so dependable. A large piece of oven cooked and BBQ finished meat, topped with fried onions, a thin slice of cheese, ketchup, and sandwiched within a sweet brioche bun. Chips on the side and enough change for a beer - not since the Sunday lunch bap in Blackburn has a match-day meal been so good.